Mind Your Self-Talk

I want to get you thinking about self-talk.
Most people will speak to themselves on a fairly regular basis in a way that we wouldn’t dream of doing with our friends.

How many times have you spoken to yourself like this:

Oh, you idiot!
I can’t believe I did that
What the hell is wrong with me?
Come on, get it together!
For ****’s sake, what are you doing?!

…and so on.

We’ve all done it!
And it may not seem like a big deal. You may think it’s harmless – it’s only ‘in the moment’ and you’ll forget about it quickly.
But our bodies don’t know that. They react as if we’re in danger and our stress response is activated! We become hyper-alert to what’s happening around us as adrenaline and cortisol levels increase. Blood pressure and blood sugar levels shoot up while digestion turns down as the body directs its energy to dealing with the threat.

How mind-blowing is that?

Just by talking to ourselves in an impatient, sharp way, we’re triggering that dramatic reaction and potentially causing other problems!

Our bodies react as if we’re in danger, activating a stress response.

So what can we do about it?

According to Dr Rangan Chatterjee in his book, ‘Happy Mind, Happy Life’, we should be trying to adopt the tone of a supportive coach. The way we speak to ourselves should acknowledge and accept who we are while encouraging improvement.

Further to this, research by psychologist, Ethan Kross, found that when we’re in the middle of a high pressure situation it’s helpful to speak to ourselves as we would a child or best friend – even using our own names. This way, we put distance between ourselves and the problem, making us feel more in control.

Something for you to try

Notice some of your negative self talk and note down the most common things you hear yourself saying. It might be single words, phrases or it could even be tutting and sighing (this is definitely one of mine!).

When you’ve written down 2 or 3 things, see if you can come up with alternatives – positive, gentle phrases with the tone of the supportive coach. Remember to use your own name!

Write these alternatives down where you’ll see them and start using them. You won’t be able to switch off the negative voice but you will catch yourself. Then you can use the positive, reassuring phrase. The more you do this, the greater your awareness will be and you may find that positive voice coming through more easily.

Keeping it light

While you’re working on developing that ‘supportive coach’ voice, any time you notice the negative self-talk, try turning it into a silly song – either out loud or in your head. Hear the words to the tune of the Muppet Theme or the Hokey-Cokey – whatever takes the sting out of it! It’ll help create distance between you and the words, and how can you take something seriously when it’s got a comical tune to it?!

As always, change begins with awareness and acceptance and it’s not quick. As awareness of your self-talk increases, take care not to judge yourself for it. When you catch yourself being harsh, remember that you’re working on unlearning a habit you’ve had for years! Forgive, be patient, be compassionate.